The Inspired Blog

Chances are you know and love someone who is struggling to have a baby. That may look like having had one or more miscarriages, months or years of trying “the old fashioned way”, using various types of treatments, or a combination of the above. Maybe you’re reading this and YOU are that person. Either way, it’s a tough topic and no one really wants to talk about it. But we need to. Infertility is incredibly lonely and people often don’t know what to say or who to ask for support. While reproductive choices and challenges are private they don’t need to be taboo, either.

I’m going to share some of the common phrases that we have ALL likely said to someone, with the best of intentions. I will break down why they aren’t helpful or well received. I’ll also give ideas on what to say instead. Hopefully you will feel better prepared the next time you’re talking with someone who is living with infertility and you want to offer your support. This may also be helpful to share with people around you if you can tell they mean well, but it’s landing in ways that don’t feel helpful.

Things that hurt more than they help

These are some of the most common things that people say, but it is by no means an exhaustive list.

• “When are you going to start having babies/another one??”
  • There are a lot of reasons these kinds of questions can feel uncomfortable. Everyone has their own ideas about what they hope their family will look like, including not having any children, by choice. But for this blog, asking these kinds of questions can bring up painful feelings attached to infertility. It can put people on the spot. If we’re being honest (and we are, that’s kinda my thing) we have all asked this with people. Even when we don’t know them very well! I know I have. We see it as a way of getting to know someone or expressing interest in their lives. It also can feel like a lot of pressure to respond with personal information or with the “correct” response.

• “Just keep praying about it.”
  • People who hold a faith belief and practice have already been praying about this. I promise. They have prayed in the car, at work, in the shower, at church, in the gym, and everywhere else. They are still waiting for that positive pregnancy test or to bring a baby home from the hospital. It’s not a lack of prayer or dutifulness that has led to this struggle. The flip side of that is that not everyone believes in or practices prayer, and this kind of comment can lead to feeling like they have to defend their beliefs or like they aren’t really understood. There can be a sense that their infertility is less deserving of your support.

• “it will happen when the time is right/as soon as you stop trying it will happen”
  • This can feel very dismissive, even though I am almost positive that is not your intent! For a person dealing with infertility the right time was last month, last year, 5 years ago…you get my point. There isn’t a “right” time to have kids, and once someone starts to realize there is an issue, time becomes a huge weight around their ankle. They are probably hyper aware of time, their age, and how quickly and slowly time passes.

• “Be grateful for what you have in life/focus on the positive!”
  • This is another one that feels incredibly dismissive and is likely to shut down the conversation pretty quickly. It can also identify you as someone they won’t want to turn to for support in the future. The reason being is that we CAN be grateful for lots of things in our lives, while ALSO feeling a lot of pain about other things. If you have ever wanted children or you have them already – can you imagine anything in the world that could take their place? Is there any amount of money, material things, vacations, friends, or career achievements that you could feel enough gratitude for, in place of not having your children? Recognizing that brief moment of sadness you may have just had while imaging that is a window into what someone dealing with infertility is experiencing on a regular basis.

• “You can always adopt or foster”
  • These are absolutely ways that some people build their family, or help other families in their hardest times, in the case of becoming a foster parent. Neither of these paths are easy or simple. Private adoption is extremely expensive. Many hopeful parents wait for years to be selected by a birth mom, if at all. Adoption through the foster care system is not as expensive and can happen on a shorter timeframe. However, it is often older children who need adoptive parents the most, not infants. For some families, this is something they embrace. But all too often, we see people go into foster parenting with the hope to adopt an infant. The reality is the goal is always try to reunite children with their birth parents or relatives, especially infants. In addition to the above, adoption is a complex decision and a lifelong journey for the parents and the children. It’s not a path for everyone, and that’s ok! Reconizing this is important if you’re wanting to help support someone struggling with infertility.

What to say instead

So now that I’ve given a short list of things that aren’t all that helpful, I want to give you some suggestions on what you can say that may feel more supportive or helpful.

• “What’s next for you and your partner/what big things are you all focusing on next?”
  • This shifts the focus entirely off reproductive decisions and challenges and on to the person or couple as a whole. It can open the conversation up to some really cool topics and takes the pressure off. If they want to share about their family building hopes and struggles they will, and you will feel good knowing it’s genuine and not because they felt caught off guard.

• “Do you mind if I pray for you about this/I will keep you in my thoughts?”
  • If you are a person who believes in prayer, it’s ok to offer this if you feel led to! This gives you the opportunity to provide an act of service for the person you care about. If they say no, that’s ok. Remember offering support is about what they need, not what we think they need. If you aren’t a person who prays, letting the person know that you are sending positive energy their way is a gentle way of showing that love and concern.

• “That has to be so hard, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.”
  • Short and sweet. And useful for anything on this topic!

• “I hope you are getting the support you need/how can I be the most supportive to you through this?”
  • If you ask what they need, truly hear them when they respond. If they need something that you know you can’t do, it’s ok to say that. Being honest is always better than agreeing to something you know you can’t follow through on. Giving support around the issue of infertility doesn’t have to be difficult; you can feel more confident when you help.

Infertility is HARD

At the end of the day, there is no way to make infertility easy or fun. Loving someone living through it can feel helpless, frustrating or even confusing. It is a form of grief and it might be helpful to look at it that way as you think about what to say and what to do. Offer your support and allow them to take the lead on how much they want to share about their infertility journey, and when. Try your best to be understanding if they decline invitations to things like baby showers or don’t react/comment on social media birth announcements. If you’re reading this blog, it’s because you care. If you or someone you know is struggling with infertility and could benefit from working with a therapist, I can help! Check out my page on infertility counseling: https://inspiredmentalwellness.com/infertility-therapy.