The Inspired Blog

It’s my most favorite time of the year! It’s also a really stressful time of the year, even in the best of circumstances. We can all agree that infertility during the holidays is never going to be the best of circumstances. Going into this season while trying to cope with infertility or fertility treatments can feel like a punch to the gut. My hope with this blog is that you feel seen and heard, and feel a bit more prepared to get through the next month.

It Doesn’t Feel So Merry and Bright

This time of year is full of holiday celebrations all over the world and in many different cultures. The month of December holds Christmas, Hanukkah, Yule, Kwanza, and some years Eid or Ramadan will fall during the month as well. While these different celebrations vary, the one thing they all have in common is a strong emphasis on family, togetherness, and socializing. Even if you are someone who normally really enjoys all that social interaction, it can be much harder when you are struggling so deeply with the heartbreak of infertility.

Many times, there has been a dream of this holiday season being the first with a new baby to make memories with. As the reality sets in that this isn’t going to be the year for that, a sense of dread creeps in. You may be seeing family or friends who are pregnant or have a new baby they are excited to introduce to everyone. Aunt Bev will be there and she’s going to ask when you’re having kids, again. Someone is going to announce a pregnancy on social media or at dinner. The hole in your chest will feel so big and raw, it can be enough to make you not want to participate in any of it.

Even with all of that, I want to remind you that you still deserve a holiday season that you can find ways to enjoy. This is a good time to spend a moment digging deep into what you’re feeling and what is triggering those feelings. This gives you good information to help plan ahead and know how you need to be supported. Having this understanding gives you more control over some of the situations and interactions you may find yourself faced with.

Having a Game Plan

Pre-Planning

These are some ways to help you identify potential triggers and ideas for dealing with them as they come up.

• How much socializing, traveling, hosting, etc do you honestly feel up to? Just because you always host the entire family the week of Christmas, doesn’t mean you have to this year. Give yourself permission to adjust your own expectations, as well as the expectations of others around you. If you are in a relationship, make sure you’re including your partner in these discussions. This will help you both be on the same page and a united front for questions or comments that may follow a declined invitation or changed plans.

• Prioritize self-care. I almost hate to use the phrase self-care because it’s been taken over by consumerism culture, but I don’t have a good replacement yet and that’s an entirely different blog post! This is not just about bubble baths and massages, though those things totally count as self-care! Self-care also looks like setting boundaries, getting enough rest and downtime, being alone if that’s what you need (which is different from isolating), following your budget, spending more time with people who make you feel good vs people you feel obligated to see. It can also mean saying “no” when you need to and not giving guilt a seat at the table when you do. It means moving your body, eating food that tastes and feels good, and taking care of your overall health.

• Make new memories and traditions. So many of our holiday traditions are centered around children. Find a new activity that is geared more towards adults, or that you would enjoy even if children aren’t a part of it. Take a drive with your partner or friends through that neighborhood with the badass Christmas lights on the houses. Take a hot chocolate tour around town. Participate or organize a dessert swap. There are a lot of ways to have fun that won’t be so centered on kids.

• Volunteer. I know that sounds so cliche, but it’s recommended so often for a reason! When we put our time and efforts towards a purpose outside of us, it almost always makes us feel better. You can read a bit more about why in this article about the mental health benefits of volunteering. How you choose to volunteer can vary from picking a senior citizen to provide a gift for to doing a shift at the local food bank. It doesn’t even have to be related to the holidays, and it doesn’t need to be an ongoing commitment. Just getting out of your routine and putting your efforts to a greater good can be so helpful.

• Set limits for yourself when saying “yes” to things. It’s ok to accept an invite and give yourself permission to only stay an hour. Another way to set limits is recognizing your own cues for when you’ve had enough and it’s time to go.

• Plan your exit. Relating to setting limits, it can be very helpful to have an exit strategy planned. Come up with how you will excuse yourself and how you might respond to comments or questions about it. This is another area where having your partner on the same page is huge, or having someone who is onboard with being your wing-person to chime in and back you up. Practice saying it out-loud to get more comfortable. This might look like telling mom before you even show up for dinner that you can only stay for an hour. Maybe it’s a quick text to your person across the room that lets them know it’s time to wrap up with their work colleague and go home. Other people don’t have to understand or like your decision to set limits or leave early.

• Compassion and grace. For yourself first and foremost! Infertility is already hard. Infertility during the holidays can be 10 times harder. Don’t hold yourself to expectations that deep down you know are out of reach this year. It truly is ok. Also, try to hold some compassion and grace for the people who love you and may not understand what you’re going through.

Wrapping Up

See what I did there? Pun intended! In all seriousness- I hope you have found something in this blog that connected for you. There is so much excitement around the holidays but that also can come with a lot of stress and pressure. Infertility during the holidays feels especially raw and cruel. Taking care of yourself has to be a priority, not only to survive the month of December, but hopefully find some fun and joy too!

I specialize in working with people who are struggling with infertility or are using fertility treatments to build their family. If you are finding it harder and harder to manage your feelings about infertility, therapy can give you a place to sort through it all. You will also learn ways to cope with the various stressors that are part of that journey. This will mean you feel better and more in control. Reach out to schedule a free 15 minute consultation. You can also read more about my work with infertility counseling on my webpage.